Saturday, December 22, 2012

The End of the World as we Know It (Or Not)

So, obviously, since we're all still here, the world did not end yesterday.  Shocker.  However, yesterday was quite the adventure for the society.
So, I was sitting in class, waiting for school to get out (yes, the last day of the semester was indeed yesterday) when a feral zombie (one that doesn't have control over it's actions) came shambling into the room.  So, I knocked him out, then grabbed an extra visor (never leave home without one) and clamped it over his ear.  No sooner had that little episode finished, than I got a call from Dragon, who said, very plainly, "ZOMBIES!!!!"  In other words, there were more, and we wouldn't be able to save most of them.
There was a lot of fighting after that, as we tried to save the town.  If this comes as a surprise to you, it shouldn't.  See, we're funded by the government, and if they die, we're cut off.  Also, I actually like most of the people who live here.  Some notable events:
  1. We saved comment Lea from a zombie orthodontist right when he was about to tear into her skull.
  2. When we realized it was Lea he was trying to eat, we proceeded to run away, because she's terrified of zombies and I worked really hard getting her to accept me.  I have a feeling that's going to come back to haunt me later.
  3. Jess and Cherri ran into that Xander guy and started viciously attacking him.  When asked to justify this, they started ranting about how much of a jerk he was and that he deserved worse. I really can't say I blame them, but he was doing a pretty good job containing the problem.
  4. Jace caught them in the act, saved his life, and "set phasers to stun."  In other words, he hit him on the back of the head with a gun, and dragged him into a nearby hospital.
  5. Fun fact: a zombified cat is way harder to kill than a regular zombie.  You have to shoot it eight times before it finally stops moving.
  6. Eventually, the guy from the beginning woke up and had a nervous breakdown.  Apparently his name's Robert and he was the first victim.  He did, however, give a pretty good description of the culprit.  All this happened in front of my friend Myra, who then texted me the info.
  7. We eventually found the culprit hiding in the ally behind a major tech company.  Her name's Alien (as far as we can tell) and she's a ditzy little girl who apparently forgot she was a zombie before biting one of the employees in the arm.
So the zombie outbreak was successfully subdued and we have two new members.  Robert Thomas has replaced Jace as the new guy, something Jace is very proud of.  Alien Cooper is actually 35 years old, was zombified at age nine, and is exactly one inch shorter than me, something I am very proud of.  Also, it was Dragon's birthday yesterday.  She's 18 now, and the universe gave her a miniature apocalypse.  Happy birthday, Dragon.
In other news, it turns out the calender in the oreo cookie joke from before the apocalypse is actually the Aztec calender.  So, I did a little research, and this is what the Mayan calender actually looks like:
Aaaaaaaaaand that's about it, Merry Christmas, Happy Chanukah, Happy Kwanza, Happy Festivus, etc.  Until next year!

Wednesday, December 19, 2012

Friday, December 7, 2012

Life and Penguins

Yeah, so, a lot of minor things have been happening lately.
First, Dragon decided she had ESP a couple weeks ago.  There was a really long conversation to follow, but it all boils down to the idea that esp is not extra sensory perception but really elastically steamed penguins.  Yeah, we're not sure how this came about either, but it's funny.
Second, I'm in this club called MESA (that's Mathematics, Engineering, Science, and Achievement).  Anyway, there was a competition last weekend where we had to essentiallybuild a car and make it run on a flat surface.  And my team, consisting of me, Jace, Joellen, and Lea (yes, comment Lea) got first place.  YAY!!  I might post a picture of the girls and our car.....eventually.....but it's really exciting.
Third, I learned how to solve a rubick's cube.
Fourth, and probably most important, is this.  If you read the comments section, you probably know that there's this guy, Xander Johnson, who has been posting some pretty nasty things on my blog.  Well, it turns out he's an old friend of Jace's.  It also turns out that he's a zombie hunter.  Jace is really sorry for bringing him into this.  But, Xander Johnson, know that if you even try to bring this group down, or hurt us in any way, we will end you.  We havn't done anything wrong, we just happen to be dead.  Not a crime, especially when we're trying to better ourselves.  Got it?
Fifth, schoolwork is hell, which is why I havn't posted since Thanksgiving.  Which was delicious.  I'll try to be better in the future.

Monday, November 19, 2012


As many of you may know, there is a very important holiday coming up.  Thanksgiving is a very important time of the year.  It is a day we celebrate what we have and are grateful for having it.  Of course, it's also a day we eat food.  Lots of food.  Did you know that Americans consume roughly 46 million turkeys a year on Thanksgiving?  That's a scary stat, especially if you're a turkey.
Now, as zombies, we don't really stress the Thanksgiving feast, and a lot of the people we know are grateful for that.  However, we do understand what Thanksgiving is all about, and we take the time to be thankful that we are still on this earth, have all of our original limbs, have higher brain functions that work, and most importantly, haven't had any death (or is it undeath?) threats in a long time.  And that's something to cherish.
Happy Turkey Day, America!! And, for those of you not in America, happy third Thursday in November!

Sunday, November 18, 2012

On a Much Happier Note....

Jace has just reentered the technology world!!  He has taken the initiative and set up an e-mail address.  This is a step in the right direction on his part, because it means he's not only successfully adjusting to life as a zombie, but taking the initiative to be an active part of the world.  ......or something like that.  Anyway, it's really cool, and he deserves congratulation.  His new address is

Saturday, November 17, 2012

Afterlife and Forgiveness and Stuff

Hey, I'm sorry I haven't posted in a while.  It's been a pretty stressful month for the Society.
So, I was really mad at Jace for posting about my dark side on Halloween.  So mad....I sorta went right back into demon mode and tried to eat his face.  But, Jace has been pretty stressed lately, with school and refusing to eat because he's a vegetarian, and I guess he just.....snapped.  He lost it and started attacking me back.  Dragon and Jess had to pull us apart and lock us away until we calmed down.  Yeah...neither of us are proud of that.......
Anyway, this set off a red flag for Jim.  We had always assumed that Jace was a shambler, meaning he shouldn't have been able to summon the energy to hit me, let alone go all ragey on my demon and fight back.  Also, his eyes turned red last week, which is never a good sign.
For those of you who don't know, there are three basic types of zombies.  The most common is the  shambler, which is your common slow, unenergetic zombie.  Alone, shamblers are actually pretty harmless, but they can be really scary in large groups.  Jim's a perfect example of a shambler.
There's also the rage zombie.  There are a variety of strands of rage zombies, but they are always pumped with adrenaline and way too energetic for their own good.  As you may have already guessed, Jess and Dragon are rage zombies.
The third type is the necromatic zombie.  That's me.  Necromatic zombies are created by using a human sacrifice to summon a demon.  The demon comes, possesses the sacrifice, and usually eats it's creator.  The sacrifice's soul is left to watch the carnage the demon causes, but there is nothing it can do anything about.  I'm lucky, because I managed to retain control of my own body most of the time.  Both necromatic and rage zombies are really damn scary.
 So, Jim ran a few tests, and it turns out that Jace something called a "dormant-rage" zombie.  That means that he acts like a shambler most of the time, but he becomes a high energy rage zombie whenever he's in danger or rrrrrrrrrrrrrrreeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaalllllllllllllllyyyyyyyyyy mad.  Like, more mad than I have to be to lose it, which is saying something.
I wouldn't have told you this, but I realized something.  I made this blog on the concept of acceptance, and it's foolish to accept something if you don't have a relatively thorough knowledge of it.  And that means you need to know that the zombie society isn't exactly as harmless as I've tried to make us out to be.  So, yeah.  I forgave Jace for Halloween's post, and I'll try to be more open with you from now on.  Until next time!

Wednesday, October 31, 2012

Jace: Attack of the Christopher Demons

Hey! Chris can't update today, but I thought you would want a Halloween post, as zombies are a really big part of Halloween, so I took it upon myself to post something for you.  Yeah, this is Jace.

As it turns out, when Chris says he was killed in an unholy ritual, he means that he was sacrificed and his body was taken by an unholy demon from hell, or something like that.  Yeah, it surprised me too. 

Anyway, Chris apparently made a pact with his demon so he's in control most of the time.  Thing is, the demon comes out whenever he gets really upset, and every year on the day he died.  Which is Halloween.  So Chris is scarier than Dragon now and chained in a locked vault with so many drugs pumped into him that he's higher than most stoners.  And there's, like, a billion fire extinguishers outside it.

So Chris is entirely justified for hating Halloween.  In other news, the haunted house is epic and Jess and Dragon have scared about five hundred kids now.  I think they're having fun.

And, that's it! Happy Halloween everyone!!!!!

Thursday, October 25, 2012

The Scariest Night of the Year

As you all know (or at least, all of you in the United States) Halloween is less than a week away.  Now, many of you may be thinking that this is the biggest night of the year for the Zombie Society.  Many of you also may be surprised to hear that it's not actually that big of a deal.  The main attraction is Dragon's scared children record.  She tries to beat her record for scaring little kids every year.  Her current record is 500.
That said, it should be pointed out that this will be Jess and Jace's first Halloween as zombies.  They are planning a haunted house, and have been planning or putting up decorations all the time, except when Jace is in school.  Apparently they do this every year, but they're putting a lot more work in this year.  It should be fun.
As for me, I don't really like Halloween.  It has a lot to do with the fact that that was the day I died.  It seems pretty intuitive that that would ruin the night for the rest of my life (or afterlife).

Monday, October 15, 2012

Broken Fingers

I broke my finger today.  In history class.  But that's ok, my friends and I fixed it with Elmer's glue and a purple ribbon.

Here's a picture:
 See, all better^^.
Alright, show of hands, who thought I broke my actual finger?  If you did, then my mission is fulfilled.
Now, some of you are probably wondering about my last post.  Why would a zombie choose unicorns?  Well, when you think about it logically, zombies are dead people who add you to their ranks if they bite you, and actually really scary in large groups.  They're often said to bring about the apocalypse.  Unicorns, on the other hand, are magical horses with sharp pointy horns sticking out of their heads and amazing healing abilities.  If a zombie got in a fight with a unicorn, there is no way the zombie could win.  The unicorn would just keep healing itself, giving it enough time to thoroughly impale the zombie if it so desired.
That said, I try to stay away from unicorns.

Tuesday, September 25, 2012

I heart Dead People

I think we can all agree that necrophiliacs are freakin' scary.
Also, apparently you can't do a <3 in the post title.

Monday, September 24, 2012

Smoky Smoking Smokers

Sometimes I like to go up to teen smokers and tell them I died of lung cancer caused by second hand smoke.  Then I calmly stroll away.  Most of those smokers are scared of me and/or have now stopped smoking.

Just to clear something up, I didn't actually die of lung cancer.  I died in a demonic ritual which I don't really like to talk about.  I know this seems like a really horrible thing to do, but it is helping to make our city a better place.  Not to mention save lives.  Smoking in high school is not a smart decision.  It shrivels and blackens your lungs and shortens your life span.  It also makes you really depressed.  High school's stressful enough without a heap of depressing drugs.  That's also why you shouldn't drink.  Just throwing that out there.

Tuesday, September 18, 2012

Tuesday, September 11, 2012

Today in History

9/11 is a very important date for Americans.  It is the day the twin towers fell.  It raised awareness of the threat of terrorism.  It also showed just how much people will do for their cause.  Not only were the terrorists willing to die just to crash into the twin towers and the pentagon, but there was one plane that the passengers hijacked from the terrorists who hijacked it in the first place, and got it to crash into an empty field instead.  Never forget those people, those are the real heroes of the day, in my opinion.
With that in mind, I'd like to say that today there was a memorial assembly for 9/11 hosted by the JROTC at my high school.  Unfortunately, I didn't get to go because it was during second period, and I had a chemistry test.  So what I want to know is, why is it that the pep assemblies are mandatory, but the memorials and other JROTC hosted events, which seem to be far more important, are optional?  Something to think about.

Thursday, August 30, 2012

Question: How Many Zombies Does it Take to Export a Video in Alice?

Answer: Five.
It would've been six, but Jim can't tell the mouse from the monitor, so we just sorta left him out of it.
Now, what the hell am I talking about?
Well, two of my friends, Myra and Joellen, took the initiative and created a zombie music video in a free animation programming thing called Alice.  It's really cool, and featured here:
However, they simply refused to export it for us.  So we had to do it ourselves.  For those of you who don't know, the exporting function in Alice is the unholy spawn of Satan and Hecate.  In other words, it really sucks.  So, it took all five of us a week to not only figure it out, but piece it back together in a friendly program (Windows Movie Maker).  But anyway, here is the result of our labors.  The song actually belongs to Jonathan Coulton, not any of us.

Monday, August 20, 2012

Confusion of the Numbers Kind

Ok. So, I've been thinking.  You know how the definition of a prime number is any integer whose only factors are one and itself?  Then, if you think about it, the only number that could be prime is negative one.  All the other integers have at least two positive factors and two negative factors.  Unless you count positive one, which only has one factor.  Whereas, the only factors of negative one are one and negative one.  Even zero can't be a prime number, because any integer from infinity to negative infinity could be a factor, as long as you multiply it by zero.  Makes you think, doesn't it.
  You're probably wondering what this has to do with zombies.  Well, nothing.  It has nothing to do with zombies.  See, the problem with being an unproductive zombie society is that not a lot happens that's worth mentioning.  We don't do much.  And with zombies, that's generally thought of as a good thing.  It means we're not out terrorizing the world and eating brains.  Therefore, you'll see a lot of random posts like this one that have very little to do with zombies.  However, I think it should count that these are the thoughts (and occasionally conversations) of a zombie in the unproductive zombie society.  Keep that in mind as you read the blog.

Tuesday, August 14, 2012

The Ups and Downs of Being Undead in High School

Before we get this started, I should remind you that I'm fifteen, but I look like I'm eight.  That said, most people think I'm either extremely crazy or extremely stupid to still be in the public school system.  In fact, almost everyone I know has told me that.  Granted, I am a little crazy, but I am in no way stupid.  I have stayed in the public schools purely because I'm just too stubborn to quit.
  Don't get me wrong, I had plenty of good reasons.  In case you didn't notice, your average high school is full of teenagers all ready to hate a guy who's voice hasn't changed, is short, and has blue skin.  There are plenty of girls who squeal in my presence and think I'm cute for all the wrong reasons.  I'm rarely ever taken seriously, and if I am it's because they think I'll eat them if they don't.  It doesn't help that I'm a year ahead in school, meaning I'm a Junior, not a Sophomore.  No one would have stopped me from dropping out in fourth grade, not to mention ninth.
  In case you haven't already guessed, school started yesterday.
  It would have been the normal routine, you know, get my schedule, go to class, scare the freshmen into submission, deal with the haters and the necrophiles, hang out with the few people who actually treat me as an equal.  But, the universe decided to throw us for a loop.  Jace decided to come back with me.  Now, I'm pretty dangerous, but Jace is a fresh zombie, and that's way worse on the danger scale.  We ALL tried to talk him out of it.  He just sorta looked at us and said, "I'm gonna be a senior this year, and if you think I'm going to miss my last year of high school just because my sister bit me, you're all completely nuts."  Thus, he's back in school too, and I have to keep an eye on him.  Go figure.
  In other news, I got a reply about the camping picture that wasn't Lea's comment (Go Lea, by the way).  As it turns out, that's a girl scout wash station.  That campsite belonged to those girl scouts we scared off.  Oops.  Um...we're all really sorry for scaring them and stealing their camp (especially Dragon, who did most of the actual scaring).

Friday, August 10, 2012


This past week, the Unproductive Zombie Society went camping.  We thought it would be lots of fun, roughing it in the wild.  And it was for a while.  We got there, went fishing, scared some random girl scouts, it was going great!  Then it started raining.  Like, pouring rain.  And, of course, none of us had the foresight to bring a tent.  Lucky for us, we found an abandoned campsite with three tents and a camper, so we decided to wait out the storm there.
Did you know that if you touch the side of a tent when it's raining, the water will enter the tent?  We didn't.  Ruined two tents.  ...Yeah.  Ended up with the guys in the remaining tent and the girls in the camper.  And that is how we spent the next three days while we waited for the rain to let up.  That was two days more than we were planning to spend.  That's also why this post is so late.  Needless to say, once it stopped raining we high tailed it out of there.

There is one thing that bothers me though.  At the campsite, there was this strange contraption hanging from a tree.  After a lot of discussion, we decided it was some sort of sick pinata, but we had no idea how it would work.  Anyway, I took a picture of it.  If you know what it is, please comment on this post or e-mail me at  We'd really like to know.

Sunday, July 29, 2012

Profiles Pt. 6: Cherri

Cherri's the last member of the society.  Again, sorry it took so long.
Name: Cherri Birala
Birthday: April 5, 1994
Age: 18
Age of Zombification: 12
Hair Color: Pink
Eye Color: Pink
Visor Color: Pink
Strengths: agile, fast
Weaknesses: focus, manga
Quick and catlike, Cherri loves reading and pulling pranks.  She can't focus very well, and is easily distracted by shiny objects (or the promise of shiny objects).  The one thing she can focus on is books, mainly manga.  She will often disappear for hours on end, reading.  She has never been seen by the other zombies without her cat ears or tail, and there has been some question as to whether or not they're real, though she enthusiastically says they're not.  She is often pestering the other zombies to read something or other, especially Jace (who, despite his constant denials, she has also asked to write on various subjects).  That said, she's a lot quieter and easier to handle than the other girls.

Wednesday, July 25, 2012

Profiles Pt. 5: Jace

Name: Jordan Martin
Birthday: July 7, 1995
Age: 17
Age of Zombification: 17
Hair Color: Red
Eye Color: Green
Visor Color: Orange
Strengths: Witty, writing
Weaknesses: Slow, vegetarian
Jace is the newest member of the zombie society.  He was zombified as a birthday present from his twin sister, one he insists he could have done without.  He's had a troubled existence as a zombie.  Unlike his sister, Jess, he's lost most of his energy, and has trouble concentrating.  The hardest problem, however, is his diet.  Jace was a vegetarian as a human, and still thinks of the idea of eating human brains (or any brains for that matter) as revolting.  Despite these challenges, Jace has retained most of his former wit, and all of his geek cred.  He has befriended Chris (after a slight age confusion), who has helped him to adjust to his new situation.

Tuesday, July 24, 2012

Profiles Pt. 4: Jess

Name: Jessica Martin
Birthday: July 7, 1995
Age: 17
Age of Zombification: 16
Hair Color: Red
Eye Color: Green
Visor Color: Orange
Strengths: Swordsman, Witty
Weaknesses: Can't sit still, Often won't think before acting
Position: Hunter in training
Impulsive and pumped with an unhealthy dose of adrenaline, Jess is a badass ball of energy with a sword.  That's not a good mix, but she somehow manages to get by accident free.  Dragon's been teaching her the art of hunting, and they became fast friends the instant they met.  Regardless of her reckless behavior and carefree attitude, Jess is extremely loyal and will come through in a pinch.  She is extremely protective of her brother, Jace, but that doesn't mean she doesn't have a little fun messing with him.

Monday, July 23, 2012

Profiles Pt. 3: Jim

Sorry we're late, there were a few technical difficulties.
Name: James Grayson
Birthday: Unknown
Age: Unknown
Age Zombified: Unknown
Hair Color: Brown
Eye Color: Red
Eyepatch Color: Black
Strengths: Old, Wise
Weaknesses: Old, Oblivious to modern technology
Position: Leader
Jim has been a zombie forever, and has lost a lot of his early memories because of it.  Suffice it to say, he's seen his share of blood, guts and gore, and has accumulated more than one scar over the years.  Jim serves as a mentor for the younger zombies, helping them adapt to their new way of life.  He's quiet and calm, never losing control for anything.  All these attributes make him the perfect leader for the society.

Saturday, July 21, 2012

Profiles Pt 2: Dragon

Name: Dragon
Birthday: December 21, 1994
Age: 17
Age of Zombification: Birth
Hair Color: Black
Eye Color: Purple
Tongue Color: Blue
Strengths: Scary, level-headed
Weaknesses: Scary, lack of people skills
Position: Hunter
Dragon was born a zombie, which is unusual, since most zombies are sterile.  This has attributed to many of her differences, like her forked tongue and creepy, purple eyes.  She's really sweet at heart (or so we've been told), but she completely lacks people skills and has a hard time making friends.  Despite this, she has a very close friendship with Jess (but, knowing Jess, that's not entirely surprising).  She is also friends with Chris, though that's become strained over the years after he watched her grow up without him.

Friday, July 20, 2012

Profiles Pt 1: Chris

If this is about the zombie society, you should probably know our names and a little bit about us, huh.  Therefore, for the next few days, I'm going to be posting member profiles!!!  I consulted with the other zombies, and they think it's a good idea.  They also think we should start with my friend Jace (more on him later) wrote one up for me.  Right.  Here goes nothing.
Name: Christoper J. Malone
Birthday: June 5, 1997
Age: 15
Age of Zombification: 8
Hair color: Blonde
Eye color: Blue
Visor color: Green
Strengths: level headed, smart
Weaknesses: short, looks like a little kid
Position: Techie
Optimistic to a fault, Chris is the youngest zombie in the society.  However, he is one of the senior members, due to the young age of his zombification.  He's the most technologically minded, and is the only zombie in the society to have an e-mail address, much less a blog.  He created the visors that keep him, Cherri, Jess, and Jace in check, clearing their heads so they can think like a normal human being.  Unlike most zombies, Chris can keep his head through most situations, with or without the visor.  He's usually happy and optimistic, but if you comment on his looks, he gets really upset and scary.  He is the only zombie to attend school, and has lots of human friends.  He believes that, with a little work and imagination, anything is possible.

Thursday, July 19, 2012

Start Up

Hi, I'm Chris, the techie of the Unproductive Zombie Society.  Despite our name, there's actually a lot that happens in the society.  I created this blog to chronicle our adventures and to raise awareness about zombies and our struggles in modern society.  I believe that with a little work, we can create a world where zombies are thought of as people, not ever-hungry bringers of the apocalypse.  This blog is a step towards that world.  I'll post whenever I can, or when something interesting happens, but I'll try to post something at least once a week.  So let's start making the world a better place!!